and start of another torturing week of exams. first hit is chemistry. this fucking subject that i've been pondering &worrying for this past one week holiday. im so, afraid. i get insomnia everynight and sleeps only at 3+ 4am. cause i'll force myself to understand, memorise, learn a particular chapter, formula, concept. but i just couldnt get them into my brain. im really really very afraid of chemistry paper. every knowledge about this subject just pass by my brain and knock it off. i dunno why i just cannot understand this whole subject. it's 12 am now, im still at where am i the same day last week. after days and days of learning everything, it just bounces off me, again easily. im really at my wits end, not knowing what to do for me to really master this whole thing. tsk. the concepts just stuck at my eyes, only. eyes. they didnt really get in beyond these windows. the moment i remembered this part, i'll forget the previous one. when going back to the previous one, brain juice just flush down the new ones. this's the first time im so terrified about one subject, but i couldnt give up,. the usual me would just give up in 2 days of repeating task, but not now. for 8 days, im feeling tired of chemistry alr. whenever i flip but to the previous chapter to recapture my memories, i would go: "oh ya! ya, ya..". Then, eveyrthing will start repeating itself. im really damn stucked&fucked up by everything. yet my friends seems 'ok', 'fine' about this. i really work very hard already. if i really flung this, im sorry mrs kee. we both tried our best. im most afraid, nobody can help me already. im left alone facing this shit. facing everything. everytime when im feeling troubled, i'll always say that :im fine, im okay, i dont really care anyway. but actually im not. im fucking not fine and not okay and i care. i hoped i can really just turn my back and not care for anything, but i couldnt force myself to do so. .. im suspecting, suspecting you. finally, i admit im sad, petrified, disappointed. &i've seen through it alr. ..
im not alone, but im lonesome.
&lastly, Happy Birthday Emily. :0
signed off @ 12:06 AM
